My friend Herb is an evil, heartless child born out of wedlock. I would not cry if the power cut out while Traci Bingham was running along the beach on that syndicated show about lifeguards. If I ever become that devoid of intelligence, that I cry when I cannot see a woman running in slow motion in a swimsuit on television, then I request to be shot.

Herb does not realize that the television show "Sex and the City" does, indeed, have the occasional sex in it. While he may be in a loveless committed monogamous relationship, I am not, so I must live vicariously through the television. As for my love of "Little House", I am a big Laura Ignalls Wilder fan. So Herb can go have a loveless committed monogamous relationship with himself for all I care.

I did not see a movie this weekend. Yolanda was busy, as was Herb. I do not know what Yolanda was doing, but I know Herb went to go see that movie, the one I promised Yolanda I'd go with her to. I was rather surprised Herb allowed his wife to take him to see it, but he took my shock as to mean that I did not know of that movie.

I told him not to spoil it for me. I only hope that Yolanda is free soon, so that I may go with her to see it.

Today, Herb's wife told me an anecdote about Herb severely overestimating his own intelligence. I laughed, in a sad way.

I went to church today, and there was a sort of ATM machine in the vestibule. It turned out to be a machine to donate money to the church. I have no idea what is connected to, or how they're going to get money from it. When I brought this up the Deacon, he merely shrugged at me and told me that God will provide. I think the Deacon has gone insane.

Today, Herb was having a conversation with the Deacon about the power of prayer. Inevitably, it turned to Herb and what he would pray for, as Herb steered the conversation that way rather clumsily. The Deacon was understandably perturbed when Herb revealed that he used to steal candy bars and ask for God's forgiveness. I was appalled, but also delighted. You see, our restaurant used to have a selection of candy bars which would always go missing. I think Herb was behind this. I may put out a trap for him, a laxative-laced chocolate bar.

Also, I may be going to see a film this weekend. Would you suggest the movie with the actor recovering from substance abuse, or the movie about the fellow with anger management issues?

The Deacon uses the power of God to overcome the overwhelming taint Herb places over everything he surveys. Perhaps it's a good thing he's always coming into our failing restaurant.